4.7 min readBy Published On: March 5th, 2020Categories: Features0 Comments

As we all know, this year Pope Francis made a bit of break from tradition when this he suggested that instead of giving up Mountain Dew for Lent you should stop being a dick on the internet (I’m paraphrasing).  I would like to go on the record as being extremely here for this.  How it has taken so long for the Catholic Church to be like “hey instead of not having KitKats for forty days (and forty nights) maybe just don’t be a jerk” is beyond me, but I’m glad we’re here.  Now if you spent most of your life giving up something trivial and reveling in the fleeting sense of moral superiority it gave you, this might be a tough Lent for you, but don’t worry, I’m here.  You may think that just because you’re not actively doxxing someone, you’re not a jerk on the internet, but you’d be wrong!  There  are plenty of online behaviors that are the worst, and here are ten of them.

An Open Letter To People Who Write Open Letters

There’s not much more obnoxious than an open letter.  It reeks of passive aggressive self-righteousness.  An open letter to the woman who mom shamed me at the grocery store, an open letter to my horrible coworker, an open letter to the person who stole my parking spot, an open letter to my crappy wedding guest, ENOUGH.  If you’ve got something to say to someone, say it to them, don’t spew an online rant all over social media.  And while I’m at it don’t you dare share someone else’s open letter with an intro like “it really makes you think”.

Super Aggro Behavior

Why you fighting with everyone?  Whether you’re starting fights with strangers or getting baited into fights by trolls, stop and think about what you’re doing with your life.  You’ll never get any satisfaction from arguing with strangers online, and if you are getting satisfaction from it you should call a therapist immediately because no sane, well-adjusted person should feel good about arguing online.

Catfish of the Day

Please don’t catfish anyone, especially me.

Know-it-all-itis

If I had a dollar for every time someone responded to one of my tweets with a “well actually” I’d be a rich lady and wouldn’t be writing this drivel.  Usually they’re wrong anyway, the vast majority of the time they’re men, and they’re always obnoxious.  Don’t be that guy, literally.

Over-sharing Your Personal Life

I’m going to be very blunt, if you’re constantly posting about how amazing your significant other is, and how madly in love you are, you’re on the fast track for a break-up.  And if you’ve subjected us all to the nauseating highs, you owe us a front row seat for the messy lows, it’s only fair. 

DIY Paparazzi

It is absolutely astonishing to me that we live in a time in which people think it’s perfectly acceptable to sneakily snap pics of strangers and post them online, usually to mock them.  Taking a picture of someone without their consent and knocking them on social media is real dick behavior, so quit it.

Fake News

This one is a-catch all so much bad online behavior.  We have the obvious sharing of lies and propaganda (hello there, Fox News), sharing satire as real news, any and all anti-vax/anti-science BS, “feel good” stories that are clearly fake (everything on the internet is fake), one like = one prayer nonsense, and sharing years old articles and missing persons alerts as if they’re brand spanking new, check dates people!  If you do any of these things the vast majority of your social media community rolls their eyes at you, hard.

Hashtag So Much Filter

I know what you look like in real life.  Your family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances know what you look like in real life, and we all know that in real life you do not look like the selfies you post.  Because in your selfies you look like your mom was human and your dad was a cartoon.  This might be hard to hear, but you need to hear it, you look absolutely insane with that FaceTune.  Seriously, a ninety nine cent app is not a substitute for a professional retoucher, you just end up looking like you smeared Crisco all over your phone.  Also where is your nose?

Meme Overload

Much like how you don’t have to tell everyone every time you go to the gym (snuck another one in the list), you don’t have to share, repost, or tag people in every meme that crosses your online path.  Of the roughly 30,000 memes we’re exposed to each week, only about three are mildly amusing, and maybe one is downright funny.  You gotta learn how to edit, my friend.

Break The Chain (Emails)

This ones for all the old heads out there, stop forwarding chain emails!  Deodorant doesn’t cause cancer, Bill Gates isn’t going to give you $245 for every person you forward this to, and a lady wasn’t almost kidnapped at the mall when a guy with a murder kit let the air out of her tire.  A good rule of thumb is that if an email has been forwarded 8700 times it’s junk.

I could go on (I see you MLM Huns using emojis in sentences like they’re real words and hurting my eyes), but I decided to show some restraint…which is all Frank wants from us this Lent.

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