Heather’s Guide to Drinking

Written by Heather Foley

Ahhhhh the holidays, family, shopping for presents, wrapping presents, baking cookies, Christmas music; it’s enough to drive you to drink, and lucky for us there’s plenty of opportunities for boozing!  It seems like from now till New Year’s there’s fete, soiree, or even a wingding or two every week.  You may think you know how to tipple during the Christmas season, but are you really tippling to the fullest?  You need to step it a notch during the holidays, and I’ve got everything you need to know to elevate your party guest game, so read up and drink up and…

Suit up
Typically, I prefer to booze in an elastic waist pant and my trusty bathrobe but you gotta zhuzh it up for the holidays.  For an evening shindig throw on a combination of holiday plaid, sequins, velvet, and/or (faux) fur; and if you’re keeping it casual go with a fair isle sweater.  Do not, under any circumstances, put on a tacky ass Christmas sweater.  I’m afraid you’re roughly a decade too late for that to be clever.  Also, common sense stuff like don’t wear anything you’ll be fiddling with, or anything that takes too long to get off in the rest room because the last thing you want to be is the girl who peed her jumpsuit at the office holiday party, trust me, I know.

Guest relations
I know you were not raised by wolves and wouldn’t show up to a holiday gathering empty handed, but I just have to say it, ok?  Don’t show up to a party empty handed.  Hit up Savin Hill Specialties for an impressive selection of wines when you don’t know what the heck to pick yourself.  And I know the go to thing to grab is wine, and if you go to anything with me it’s the right choice, but if you don’t love wine or the host doesn’t love wine, what are you even doing?  If your host is more into beer than wine, bring some beer!  Eagle Liquors has tons of Polish beers that are much cooler looking than a thirty pack of Bud Light, not that it takes a lot to look cooler than Bud Light, but you know.  Oh and if you REALLY want to impress a host grab some booze Ashmont Market and a steak bomb.  I can’t think of a better hostess gift than a greasy sub, but that’s just me and I have very refined sophisticated taste.  And whatever type of alcohol you bring throw a bow on it, that way it’s technically wrapped and the hostess isn’t pressured to put it out right away and has the option of enjoying it when you chumps leave her house.

You must eat
Maybe you’re trying to cut calories wherever you can, maybe you’re bouncing from party to party (stop showing off) and don’t think you’ll have time to eat, maybe you started drinking early and often and just plumb forgot, but my God you need to eat something.  When I go to a party about once every three years I make sure I eat something before my second drink.  And since at a party I’m mixin and minglin I prefer to stick to foods that are easy to eat with one hand, like cheese and crackers, stuffed mushrooms, or a petite filet.

The best offense is a good defense
You know what’s worse than trying to scrub red wine off your teeth and lips mid party?  Trying to scrub red wine off your teeth and lips when you’re twenty minutes late for work the next morning.  Do yourself a favor and grab some Wine Wipes (not sponsored, but hook your girl up) so you won’t waste precious snooze time scraping off purple lip skin.  If you’re a sloppy drunk (#nojudgement) maybe even throw a Tide To Go stick in your purse, and keep it company with a pack of gum, dragon breath.

There’s got to be a morning after
First of all, if you got that nod to the Academy Award winning song from The Poseidon Adventure contrats, you’re my people.  Anyhoo, holiday hangovers SUCK BALLS.  You could call it a night after two cocktails, LOL, JK, we all know you’re not doing that.  The next best option is to be a mindful grownup, drink a glass of water between drank drinks and pop a few Advils before bed.  This is something I set out to do every time I drink and I have never done once.  What we all know we’re going to do is pass out with our earrings still on, wake up with smeared makeup all over our pillows (I was going to make a Shroud of Turin joke, but I wasn’t sure it would land) a pounding headache, and feeling like a cat died in our mouths overnight.  While there is no hard and fast cure for a hangover, I have done years of research and feel confident prescribing a large fountain Coke and bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich (our Dorchester pick is McKenna’s).

Psst, we want to hear from you.  Let us know your favorite spots for buying booze and then recovering from drinking too much of said booze.  You can email us here! 

Special thank you to Jen Smith and Lauren Dezenski! 

Heather has been writing for Caught In Southie (and now Caught in Dot) since pretty much the beginning and for that we apologize. She can often be found on her couch with a log of raw cookie dough. Her biggest fear is being on an episode of Dateline and her wildest dream is being a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Feel free to let her know if there’s something you think she should write about, unless it’s stupid.